Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
