On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
