I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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