if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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