I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
