we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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