I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
