so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
