She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He has the fingertips of a God
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
