I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's shark week go big or go home
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
