jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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