a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
