I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
