I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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