Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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