Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Randomize
