so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
