Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
