I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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