hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I could make wine with my vomit
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
