i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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