you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
