when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
