i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
