We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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