Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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