Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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