At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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