My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Randomize
