Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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