I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
