I just saw a hot homeless man
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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