I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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