you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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