I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
