When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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