I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
