moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
