Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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