Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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