I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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