even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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