i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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