He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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