i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
