: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
