It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
