If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
