First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
