This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
