I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
