This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
