Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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