apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The power of my boobs compel you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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