And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
