Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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