No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
